September 29, 2006

Imprisoned within memory

"How about loss? How about missing someone? Someday, I will try to tell myself, that loss is only the absence of possession; but missing someone is real. Missing someone is to possess thoughts of someone, is to refute loss." ~October 2005, in another space that doesn't belong to me anymore.

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. How much to delete memory? Would there really be anything left to feel sad, cry about, when you have no memory? Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

Everytime you don't respond, something in me dies.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:33

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September 27, 2006

I used to be
Wittier.

"Let's get this straight, forgive the pun, Wenn is the S club, and we are the B club, can? Apple, due to substantial favourable evidence, is also in the S club. However, we can't conclude our case yet. Cos well... what's that thing about fluidity again?"

"One moderator, 2 banana-lovers, 2 banana-haters. One fun-loving (OKA reckless) driver, 4 willing but disapproving passengers. One FB, one FVB, one BB, one QB and one new associate member (OKA the slut elsewhere)."

~July 5, 2005

"So much to write... so much to laugh about. It's amazing how much time went by us without GID. Till the next GID, please contribute generously to the Save S--- Fund by calling 1900-112-6969 (We accept credit card and peanuts). Don't let the snow melt. Keep your positivity. *wink.. For everything else, the cure is beer."

~August 10, 2005

"If you fall, I will catch you, but you need to diet first."

~August 15, 2005

"I painted a sky that she guessed was the sea."

~September 1, 2005

"However, some kind of luck, I often end up with partners who not only enjoy food tremendously, but also, to some extent, enjoy the process of culinary preparation. That means I often end up having free dinners although I have to wait a bit for that process to take place and ultimately, end with a sizzle. But, in the process, hey! Free smell! Like Famous Amos' tagline."

~September 8, 2005

"I smiled AND raised my eyebrow. In the way that hopefully conveys 'Damn right, you joker! Now, just shut up!' "

~September 10, 2005

"So, if you see me holding hands with this girl who sometimes act like an adorable little girl, if you see me resting my head on her shoulders, be glad for me. Otherwise, I'm not asking for your blessing. If I had needed anyone's opinion, trust me, I would have asked for it."

~September 18, 2005

"If so, march on, Love. Do not succumb to the pressure of the fools in the desert. Quench their thirst for gossip and their pespectives of many blind eyes simply by living the way you always believed to live. I suspect there is no enemy, except fear."

~September 20, 2005

"That kind of gaze.
I can identify it. It's not difficult. It says, 'I am so hopelessly smitten with you.' haha "

~October 4, 2005

"Listened to a radio program this morning, on my Dad's ride to school. In the average life span of 78 years, we spend 14 hours having an orgasm and 24 years sleeping. Well? No wonder life really sucks."

~October 19, 2005

"Fear not, the green monster. He's no match for the Little Dragon Girl."

~October 31, 2005

Now I'm just
Tired.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:07

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September 18, 2006

You are right. They look so fine together.

Did you see the happiness behind each smile? Or did you see the effort behind each smile?

Did you see the love between the smiles? Or did you see the obligations between them?

Did you see how much they tried? How hard? Or did you see an ending that was never meant to be?

Did you see two worlds existing within each other? Or did you see a world that got submerged within the other?

Did you see yourself in her eyes? And did you see her in your eyes?

They looked so good together. Have always looked so good together. Is that reality or memory?

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:44

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September 16, 2006

An intelligent being

Kyn sms-chatted with me just now (how much do i have to pay anyway, for SMS-chat? Is it free? haa!) Cos I SOS her friendster. What a darling she is. And yes, what I didn't manage to end off was to tell you that I wish you had the chance to know how it feels like to miss someone in such an intimate way.

To miss the warmth of another body sleeping next to you, to miss waking up in the mid of the night to pull the blanket for her (or turn the fan speed up for her), to miss waking up to the unique scent of your partner, to put down her hand held over her head so that it won't get numb in the morning, to miss waking up earlier than her to see her sleeping next to you and to miss hugging her while she sleeps.

I wish all these will be something that you and perhaps, BB will come to miss someday. Not cos I want you to know how bad missing someone can get. But cos then, you would have experienced intimacy of this kind. And it's not something you can have any kind of substitute for.

Thanks, FVB. I miss you too. When you next come back, we'll go out, dance around, flirt around. Ok? *smiles*

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:20

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September 12, 2006

Season Finale.

CSI:NY.

It's the little things. The details that you will always miss out but that will break the case.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:03

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And who are you?

I suddenly recalled that it was one of the reasons why I decided to leave. Last Dec. Because I didn't want you to lose your identity. Because I didn't want our colleagues to look at you and think you are a shadow of me, someone who only knew to turn to me, squat down beside my table, when things have gone wrong.

Even then, I had wanted you to have your own identity.

xxx

And I miss you, finally...

I really miss the little boys, the olive kids. A few times in the past two days, I kept wondering if it was a mistake to leave PL. I kept wondering what would the situation be like if I had not chosen to leave.

But, indeed, I have. For many, many reasons. And there is no turning back. Still, I miss them all, I miss you all.

xxx

No sleep

I didn't sleep well yesterday. I wonder why. 'Cos I was definitely tired. But when I went to bed, I tossed and when I got to sleep, I slept very lightly and woke up for no reason a few times. A few times when I woke up, I felt as if something was tearing at my heart. And it was beating fast. And the more I tried to think why I was like that, the faster it beat.

I went to the workshop feeling quite stoned. Di and Jul both asked if I was not feeling well. Sigh...

Di reminds me of Sera. =)

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 21:36

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September 11, 2006

In other words, I love you.

Thank you, for all of you. The previous post explained why I'm, really, so scared of celebrating birthdays. And I'm still scared. That's why all the more I feel really thankful and really appreciate it when I hear my phone sms-beeped today. About 26 times. Throughout the day. Every beep, a count of blessing.

GQ said, 'sms is cheap, you know. But, it's the tot that counts.' Of course I know that, my dear. And you know I know that too. That's why even in the most difficult time, I know I will be just fine.

Just fine.

xxx

Know what you know thoroughly.

Today's first day of work. But just a prep programme workshop. For today and tomorrow. Got to know some fellow contract teachers. Quite interesting lot.

But, the content for today was ok... I mean, nothing entirely new to me. Maybe cos I've been familiar with teaching (kudos to my 8 years of tuition) and have had some experience during my time in PL. It's not so much different teaching neuro-typical children and ASD childen. What I meant is, if you've had some experience teaching children with special needs, then, you'd be rather familiar and comfortable teaching children with NO special needs. Yeah? So, lesson planning, designing questions, questioning techniques and strategies of getting and sustaining attention from pupils are not really new grounds for me.

Tomorrow's content should be more engaging. Strategies to check for understanding, simultaneous interaction (something not quite applicable to ASP kids) and effective classroom management. =)

xxx

Living, is simply, a habit.

I'm so tired. Haha. I don't know is it because it's really been a long time since I last woke up at 6.45am. But! I did manage to sleep relatively early and relatively well yesterday.

However, after dinner just now, after I chased my dad out of the sofa to have his dinner (so i can take over the remote), while sitting in front of the tube, channel-surfing, I just feel like sleeping. And, I'm looking at 10.30pm today. K.O by then. I think it's possible.

And today can't be anymore normal than it has been. Very, very normal. Very, very good. If I can just get used to work like this, living like this from Monday to Friday, early rise, early to bed, have my half cup of milk before bed (I'm drinking now), spend a day fruitfully, sleep well, stay healthy, maintain a good appetite, grow a lil fatter... I think, living can be a simple habit too.

xxx

I've stopped, ok.

I told myself one last shower to do it. And no more. No more. Didn't I say resilience is a beautiful thing?

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 20:52

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September 10, 2006

Remember me this way

I really have an adverse reaction to celebrating my birthday. Really. I just don't like it. In fact, I go all out to try to make my birthday as normal a day as possible. Maybe cos I hate milestones. And, birthday is like a milestone, right? Especially if some people around you make a fuss over you just cos you are one year older (and probably not even any wiser). I don't like that.

It probably started around university. Before that, I was quite all right when my friends tried to arrange a celebration for me, with dinner and maybe a cake. But, can't really pinpoint what happened, and when, that I started to push away any kind of celebration effort from any well-meaning friend, including my partner (if there's any).

Especially partner. Perhaps, I'm afraid of remembering how my partner would put in so much effort to celebrate my birthday and yet, they may not be around to celebrate the next one with me. I know I'd feel really sentimental about it and really upset about how birthdate doesn't change and everything else had changed.

I'm afraid of the cynical way I'd think about how my partner used to promise to buy me something special for my birthday (hey, I was that close to having a T&Co ring once... haa) and that something special never materialised. Haha...

I have this fear, every year, that the coming birthday will be the last that I will celebrate with the people I love. It scares me. Birthdays are like... watching fireworks. Very brilliant but it doesn't last.

So, I really try to make my birthday as normal a day as possible. 'Cos I prefer that it's just a day like any other that me and the people who love me treat it with a sense of normality. In Chinese, 'pin2 chang2 xin1'.

I will still buy something nice for myself. 'Cos I just like to take the excuse to indulge a bit in myself. 'Cos I'm usually too practical and thrifty to do so. Haha. But, I don't really want gifts. A card with a few words will be nice. 'Cos I keep cards well. If not, why don't you just msg me a simple 'Happy Birthday', cos it's enough for me. To know that you remember me on my birthday. Good enough.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:21

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September 09, 2006

You light up the darkness

Thank you, dear darlings... Cupcake, fierce (and straightfwd) one, and the pathetic one STILL at work. (haha)

I know. I know it's the right thing to do. I agree with both hands up too. But, I still need some time to come to term with such a loss.

But I just know it will be easier, with you around.

The slow wit, the offer of me beating up Superman, the offer of me using your budget reserve (to go Pulau Ubin?!?!).

All I need is just, really, a few good bitches.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 21:16

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Done.

I finished the work that I dreaded doing. Now, I can reformat my harddisk and start afresh. If the installation CD-Roms work. If not, fark.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 19:39

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September 08, 2006

All you need...

is friends.
is the ability to smile, laugh even.
is the courage to remember.
is the time to forget.
is the certainty that day and night still exchange and the world still turns.
is the strength to live, day by day.

No need for promises, no need for a deadline. There are many moments in a day to be lived. Just live for those moments.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 18:20

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September 03, 2006

Bob

Not the builder. It's the new hairstyle. 11 years of long hair, curls, layers, colour... has the new start arrived? The reclaimation started?

Today, I live. Just for myself.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 20:41

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Conflict

An old-fashioned girl living in modernity, with postmodern values.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 20:39

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[Sway]

All the dancers may be on the floor.
In my eyes, I can see only you.

Thank you, for the dance.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 20:36

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September 01, 2006

The 2 beats that my heart skipped.

I merely wrote a new folder to the Cd-RW. The next thing I know, every other folders that existed prior to that were gone. Nothing. Free bytes, where all our moments captured used to be. All the smiles we pulled for the camera in the past eight months. The only surprise I created that she was moved by. Gone.

The 2 beats that my heart skipped, my toes n fingers turned cold. I trembled.

Life sucks.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:31

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Yes. Life is painful. Even more so when you try to believe it's not.

xxx

I just, miss, Kyn terribly. It's a very quiet, chilly night. Will you take me clubbing with you when you are back? Revamp me, Vain one, revamp me.

xxx

No. Don't pass judgement on my mood now as you read now. It's not angst, it's not depression, it's not anything. It's just that I'm sitting down, thinking about my life - where has it gone and where is it heading...

xxx

"You gotta relax and she's gotta learn." What she said kept ringing at the back of my mind. Only the good ones can do it; the bad ones are not as astute.

xxx

"I don't do relationships." And that's probably one of the reasons why Shane's so cool.

xxx

She's like a kid who will play and forget to come home. Maybe. Or she might have forgotten the way home. Thank you for the thought.

xxx

How much has been revolving around you? How much myself? How much to reclaim back, if any?

xxx

She cut her hair. So did she. She said she felt like 'chopping them off'. I feel the same way. I just want to look hot. Not juvenile. Mission, Kyn. Mission!

xxx

I feel like dancing. Dance like no one's biz. How long has it been since I last let myself go on the dance floor? How many pints did it take?

xxx

She started calling me 'baby'. I noticed. I just didn't ask why. Because for now, I really feel like being one. Just that I don't feel that I'm the adorable, lovable kind. More the needy and helpless kind.

xxx

Her eyes lit up as she saw how the flower twirled its way down to meet its resting ground. The amazement she held for nature. The image that I held in my mind since that day. And the image that kept coming back when I'm almost forgetting why I fell in love.

xxx

How much indulgence is just right for us not to take things for granted? How much time is just right to want to spend with someone you love? How much distance is good distance from the possibility of getting hurt? How much attention is enough for us to be contented? How far can you run before destiny catches up with you? How much can you come out before the world turns you away? How much can you forget before it's all too late?

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:21

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